December 26, 1999
The reality of Christmas never measures up to the anticipation and expectations.
And it's no one's fault but my own.
December 14, 1999
Que Sera Sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que Sera Sera
December 11,1999
Every day, I start with this hope....that maybe today.... And I leave each day
behind with the sadness of a heavy heart. Feeling foolish for having that hope.
Thinking that I've missed my opportunity. Wondering if I will ever be good
enough, or good at anything. Blaming myself. I should know better than to get so
involved because it always leads to nothing. I want to set myself free from this
emotional prision that I have created, but in doing so I'm afraid of what I'd
miss... or rather lose.
December 8, 1999
So many changes recently... and yet, everything is exactly the same. How I wish
they were different.
November 27, 1999
Is it just me? I think too much. I worry too much. I wonder too much. I analyze
too much. I give too much. I hurt too much. I especially love too much. I feel
too much. But no one seems to notice.
November 26, 1999
Oh please don't drop it. I'd die if you lost it. You see it means the world to
me. Now everything we've ever wanted lies within our reach. Patiently
anticipating now the world lies at our feet. It could be the pearl. It could be
our hope our dream our lives. It could be the pearl ......
Or it could be a demon in disguise.
I've had enough demons.... I think it's time for a Pearl.
November 12, 1999
HMMMM. Should I or Shouldn't I? Closing my eyes...... making a wish..... I
should... no wait..... I shouldn't...... YES!! I should.... Oh fuck I can't.
October 23, 1999
I'm actually SMILING today! I wonder why... ;-)
October 22, 1999
Should you live by what you feel in your heart... or by what you know in your
mind? I feel my heart has betrayed me for being so lucid. Yet my thoughts betray
me for being so pensive. The inner conflict between the two and the unknown is
piercing. Forever lost in the dream of the reality of love. A reality that I
perceive but can not touch. What good is love...for love is all I have to
give.... if you aren't able to give it?
October 3, 1999
"these tears i've cried. i've cried a thousand oceans... and i will cry a
thousand more if that's what it takes to sail you home." Nothing -
*nothing* - says it better than that. You either get it or you don't.
September 16, 1999
Nevermind.
September 9-12
Houston...need I say more?
August 30, 1999
Happy Birthday to me. And thanks to my great friends, it actually was.
August 25, 1999
Virgos are very logical people. True, I prefer facts over fantasy. Steadily
focused on reality. But I have a dream, an impossible dream. I know it will
never happen, but the flicker of hope still burns inside of me. The hope for
something wonderful to finally come of this longing that causes me to cry
never-ending tears of heartache. Even the happiest moments are shadowed by the
sadness of wanting something desperately, yet knowing it will never be. And
because it will never be, I find myself having to conform. Act as I am expected
to, rather than doing what would only feel natural for me. Filtering my
thoughts, speech, and reactions. You would think being such a fact driven soul,
I would be able to accept the reality that it will never happen. But as each
event takes on new meanings, that flame of hope continues to burn. Which in turn
fuels the hopelessness of the entire situation.
August 21, 1999
Great show, great weekend!
August 12, 1999
Cool show.
July 15, 1999
The purest joy, the greatest happiness, that which is most heavenly proceeds
from within. I have a new goal. Inner happiness. Fuck the rest of y'all. It's
all about ME now.
June 25-27, 1999
Rain Rain Go Away, Come Again Another Day.... when we aren't in Biloxi
June 23, 1999
Cindi Lauper rocked!
June 12, 1999
Ahhh as much as I love New Orleans, even that didn't cheer me up much today.
Still, overall today was a good day.
June 1, 1999
Goodbye, Brett. Have a nice life... no...., don't.
May 31, 1999
Wonder what would happen if I put what I was *really* thinking here. Hmmmm.
May 30, 1999
I just realized this the other night. If I could find just one person who
BELIEVED. Just one out of billions. It would change my entire life. Because I
don't know how to do it myself.
May 20, 1999
I'm just sitting here... just sitting.....
May 1, 1999
If I never do anything else ... more than anything I need to learn how to
practice what I preach. *sigh*
April 22, 1999
I know that it doesn't do any good to love someone you can't have. Whether it's
a lost love, or new one. It's just a heartache, but it's impossible to just turn
off those feelings and pretend you don't care. I think I have finally figured it
out though. The cure is to find an outlet.. a way to channel.. or express your
feelings in another way. Through music. Writing. Web pages(!). Singing. Work.
Anything you can put your heart and soul into. Anything that makes you smile.
Laugh. Just do it. Be thankful to feel something...and ENJOY it. Hmmmm... I
wonder if it works?
April 12, 1999
Great!!
March 17, 1999
Really cool.
February 23, 1999
Many thanks to my favorite DJ.
February 13, 1999
*singing*
Ever had something, you wanted it and it wanted you, but it wasn't really yours,
but in a way it was yours, and even so, what you had was beautiful. and when it
was gone you'd, give anything to have it back, because you just knew that if you
hadn't waited so long it really would have been amazing, and the best thing that
ever happend to you. *sigh* See ya ... in my dreams...... in the stars......and
most of all MISS YOU, my radioboy......
February 5, 1999
Took a two hour lunch today. A tree hit us on the way back. Went to a Mardi Gras
parade tonight. I caught some beads!!! Oh Joy. Got my hair cut too.
January 10, 1999
Have....you....ever....met....someone....so.....amazing.....so....wonderful.....that...touched...
your....heart....your.....soul...and...lit....a....spark.....inside....you...that.....burned.....for...
days....afterward? And...no....matter.... how.....much...
you....didn't.....want..... to....you.....did. And... everywhere... you...
went....you... longed...to...have... them... by....your...side.
And.....sometimes...you... were..... fine.... and.....sometimes....it....
hurt.....so....much.... you..... wished....to....die.
All........because.........this......person.....wouldn't......or......couldn't......
let.......you.........love.........
him.....the........way........you.........wanted.........to.
December 31, 1998
"And its been a long December, and there's reason to beleive
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass"
Another year has come and gone. I'm still trying to figure out what all the hype
about New Year's is. After all, it's just another day isn't it? Time to buy a
new calendar. I guess it gives people the sense of a fresh start. At midnight
January 1, your slate is wiped clean and you can start over. After all, that is
what New Year's resolutions are for. As for myself, well, I start every year
saying *this* year is gonna be better. It just has to be. Looking back on 1998,
so much has happened. Several people told me through out the year "1998 is
your year, Mel!" In a way I guess it was. I fell in love; I lost; I
laughed; I cried; I dreamed; I hoped; I worried. Some days were sad. Some were
wonderful beyond words. But all in all, I
December 25, 1998
Usually the holiday blues hit me sometime mid-November and stick with me 'till
mid-January. This year though it crept up on me slowly and BAM Christmas was
here. I did my share of partying this season and kept busy, so I guess that is
why. As I sit here alone in my pile of presents, that emptiness begins to
linger. Oh I got some great gifts this year, but still.. isn't Christmas
supposed to be about more than that...? It's funny how you always want what you
can't have. Wonder if I'll ever have it? Oh yeah.. Merry Christmas.
December 4, 1998
I haven't been motivated to do anything lately. Don't remember the last time I
updated my page. Even things that used to be 'fun' aren't. I have no more effort
to give...I feel totally emotionally and physically drained. I just don't care
what happens anymore. Do you ever get tired of who you are? Ever wish you could
be somebody else? Escape? Start over? Ever wonder WHY ME?
October 29, 1998
Thanks Randy! :-) Thanks Nik! :-) Thanks Tampico's for POP night!! Thanks Mr.
Policeman for giving me a f#cking ticket!!!!!!!!
October 25, 1998
Advice from a friend:
NiteWizard :. . . . msg#203 Sat, Oct 24, 11:06PM PST Close your eyes... and
listen to yourself as you breathe....Do it now take a minute
TheRaspberrySwirlGirl :. . . . msg#204 Sat, Oct 24, 11:09PM PST *deep breath* ok
NiteWizard :. . . . msg#205 Sat, Oct 24, 11:10PM PST As long as there is Breath
in Your Body.... Fate has a Chance... Don't Close the door... For there may only
be so many knocks..... Breathe as if it were your last breath ... live each day
as it was your last... Smile and tell someone Hello everyday.. as if it were
your last day....SOMEDAY IT WILL BE... You Paint the Picture of Your Life....
Put a Broad New Color in It.... The Color From Within
And I can't stop thinking about it
October 16, 1998
I think that I think too much... see? Constantly worrying about everything and
everyone. Wanting to 'fix' things. Wondering about the future... wondering if
I'm doing the right thing. Hoping for a change. But no matter what I do or don't
do, it's always the same. I'm sick of doing for everyone else and never getting
anything back. What about ME? Doesn't what I want and need count? I'm tired of
being second best. No one gives a damn about me so why should I care?
October 10, 1998
I am now officially TheRaspberrySwirlGirl!!!
Awesome!!!!
September 19, 1998
Don't just make a difference in my day... Make a difference in my LIFE
September 10, 1998
i am no one..... i have nothing.. i am nothing... no one ever cares..... no one
ever notices.... what's the point?
September 5, 1998
For the past year or so, I've always tried to do the right thing. I tried to be
an understanding, compassionate, good person. No more of the petty-griping
bullshit. No more bickering over stupid things. I've reached a point where I've
done enough of that in the past, and I'm beyond that now. And where has it
gotten me?? *sigh* I give up.
August 30, 1998
Haaaaaaapy Birrrthdaaaaaay tooooo meeeeeeeee
August 20, 1998
Bored..bored..bored...no one to talk to...nothing to do but sit and
think...which leads to being depressed...which leads to more thinking...bored..bored..bored...
August 9, 1998
It happend to me AGAIN....I must have been color blind.
July 4, 1998
Mmmmmm red sure is a good color at 6:00 am.
June 24, 1998
Gettin' too old to be goin' out during the week. Tooooo many margaritas at
Pico's !! It was worth it though. *wink*
June 10, 1998
Thanks Randy.
June 8, 1998
In my previous life I must have been a doormat. Yeah, a doormat. Seems to be
pretty easy for people to walk all over me. I'm always the one who gets stepped
on and pushed aside. It never fails, if something else 'more important' comes
up, Mel gets the boot. Am I not important? I think from now on when someone does
that, Mel won't be around for 'next time'. I'm tired of being second best to
everything and everyone.
May 24, 1998
The usual. *siiiiiigh*
May 15, 1998
Another Friday night at home. Was kinda depressed again today. Can't seem to
shake this hopelessness feeling. I'm just so tired of everything being the same.
Is it ever gonna get better? Will I ever be truly happy? What's wrong with me?
I'm beginning to think that I'm outa my league on this one and I should just
give up. I feel like I need to prove myself ...but how? Why even bother??
I don't have a chance. *sigh*
May 3, 1998
Went New Orleans for the nght. Had a BLAST!!! Stayed out till 5 am. Drank too
many Pat O'Briens Hurricanes. Don't feel too good at the moment...but it was
worth it. *g*
May 1, 1998
Had the DATE from HELL tonight. Yes, it was pretty darn bad. Oh, everything was
just peachy... then he drank too much and told me stories...(in detail) Oh I
just loved the one about how he ended up going home with some oil-wrestler
chick. Mmmm Hmmmm.. just what you tell someone on a first date. Boy, was I
impressed! Thank goodness for caller id.